Why even think about your parenting style? Because your parenting style creates the way you relate to your child and the way your child learns to view the world, himself in the world, and others in the world.
For business types let’s put it this way--you are the CEO of your family--Management--”THE MAN,” or “THE WOMAN,” “THE BOSS”
What does a good boss/supervisor/manager/parent do:
They play a role in creating the company/family culture,
They pay attention to what effects team/family cohesion & relationships,
They create a climate for worker/child motivation,
They model appropriate behaviors and reenforce growth in the worker/child,
They encourage behavior change with encouragement, praise, or logical consequences
The result is a successful business & a successful family. Hard work you bet!
There are three basic styles of parenting 1) authoritarian, 2) democratic, or 3) laissez faire (let things alone).
Authoritarian parents--”My way or the highway”
Democratic parents--”Let’s look at the pros & cons and we can take a family vote.”
Laissez faire parents--”I give you everything you want and this is the way you behave?.” “I work hard all day. I can’t make you do anything--what’s that school teaching you anyway?.” “Talk to your mom (dad) I have work to do.”
Typically the parent has a primary style. Both parents should try to maintain the same parenting style and be consistent about it. Inconsistency creates insecurity in young children. While inconsistency gives older children a foot in the door to complain, “That’s not fair! Dad (Mom) lets me do it.
Consistency trains kids not to argue. Be careful to not reward the child’s whining, nagging, or tantrum behavior--this teaches the child he/she controls you.
What worked for me in my classroom when student mis-behavior pushed me to my limit and I was so angry I could not see straight was to say to the student in a very quiet, intense voice (it also helps to display angry eyes) “I am so frustrated and disappointed with your behavior I cannot even talk to you right now. Go sit down in time out until I decide what is the right thing to do. I will let you know what we are going to do about this.”
I like the word frustrated, rather than angry/mad, because it make me feel like I have control over my emotions. To me there is nothing wrong with telling the child I am disappointed with his behavior; it helps the child learn that his behavior impacts others. Telling the child to go sit down in time out is a positive action that is essentially an immediate punishment in the eyes of the child. But it is also a delay tactic to give the parent time to devise a logical consequence that addresses the uniqueness of the problem.
The same old spanking or the same old screaming lecture soon loses their effectiveness.
Unique logical consequences require the parent to do some creative thinking and should create a positive learning experience,
For example the child breaks your favorite vase you inherited from your grandmother, what do you do? “ I am so frustrated and disappointed that you broke my grandmother’s vase. I am so sad I cannot even talk to you right now. Joe, go sit down in your room until I decide what is the right thing to do. I will let you know what we are going to do about this.”
A possible unique logical consequences--”Joe, you will take out the trash and mow the lawn for three weeks, you will earn $40.00 and then we will go out and buy a vase that reminds us of grandma to replace the one you broke.”
This is a win-win. Joe is disciplined. He learns actions have consequences. He learns his parent cares about and supports him. Joe becomes emotionally invested in a positive outcome. The parent and child work togeather for a positive outcome.
PARENTING MYTHS:
Isn’t parenting something you just do? How hard can it be my parents did it.
It worked for my parents--look how good I turned out.
If it was good enough for me it is good enough for my kids.
